The End of the Road…

It is the end of an era, the end of Thomas nursing, the end of his “babyhood.”    My little guy is all grown up and according to him he is “fuper big and he can drink beer and coke.”  There are many emotions with this transition, excitement, pride, happiness and a wee bit of sadness as we both move along in the road of life.  There have been many ups and downs of in our 31.5 month journey, I can’t believe we made it this long when initially I set out to nurse for 12 months.  Nursing has been there since the minute this little guy was born, it and it has been there ever since, until Thursday morning. 

Through tears I tried to explain to both Mike and my Mom how I was feeling as I was having my 2nd and 3rd melt downs, as I write this on Sunday we are both doing very well with the new normal.   When he was born, I never thought I would (in quoting Taylor Swift) never ever, ever, EVER, nurse him as long as I did.  I have to say that it finally felt like after several months of talking about being all done, several transitions towards weaning (nursing for less time and not all the way to sleep), we were both ready to pull the trigger.  It was getting to be more annoying to me and frustrating.  FINALLY, it felt like it was for sure time for him to be done.  So we talked about it, not during a normal nursing time.  We both cried while we talked about being done for sure and good.  We talked about how incredibly thankful we both were that we had been able to continue this precious very intimate relationship for this long.  Thomas said it made him “a widdle bit sad, I said me too. We snuggled, hugged, and said good bye to Mommy Milk.  As ready as we both were, this was hard, really hard, but time.

On our first nap without nursing was fine for him to fall asleep.  He for the last several months had been nursing less and would fall asleep without nursing.  When he woke up and wanted to nurse back to sleep and I reminded him we were all done, he was sad.  Full on loads of emotion and tears sad, heart breaking sad.   We snuggled and I reminded him I loved him up to pieces, and this didn’t change that.  I reassured him that we were both sad but that we would both be alright if he was all done like his Daddy.  Then we decided that a cookie and walk to Larson’s bakery was just the thing we needed to make us feel better.  My very big un hand holding, super independent little guy, held my hand the whole walk to the bakery.  After getting our cookie and walking home, we were talking about just how proud I was of him and how brave he was being with the change, he looked up and told me “know I am fuper big and I can drink beer and coke.”  He is also so excited to be a big boy like his Daddy and Grandpa’s.  A trip to the park to see or friends Whitney, Dahlia and Reier and dig in the dirt was also a great mood booster.

As we close this journey I can’t tell you exactly what Thomas is feeling, but I can tell you what I am.  From my heart, I am so thankful.  I am emotionally a mess and because I am not a writer I can not find the words adequate to express my feelings.  I can ramble, which is what I have just done and continue to do.  I will forever hold this journey between he and I so sacred and special.  I hope if he remembers it or when he learns that he nursed well into his 2nd birthday (like when he becomes a dad) I hope he is honored.   I (along with Mike’s support) nursed him this long because it was what we felt would set him up for so many successes in life.   It was his sole nutrition for many months, it helped him comfort himself, gain independence, provided immunities to him, protected his gut from allergies, and so many more things.  My little baby boy, is for the first time ever in his life not depending on me for this any more, and I am so so proud of him.  Sure I am still there for reassurance, comfort and support, I God willing will be for many many more years to come, but this big consistent since day one of his life is over.  We are closing this chapter.

Thank you thank you, first and foremost to my body for giving me the ability to nurse and support this child, I may not love my boobs, but they were able to do what they were meant to for my children, and for that I am so grateful.  Thank you to my amazing husband who helped in every way he could support me and Thomas while he and and I were nursing.  He amid all the questions and criticisms in this world of nursing stood by me and said it is working for all of us right now, who cares what anyone else says.  That takes a very special man and father, and there are not words to show just how much he did to encourage me.  I am certain without his support that I would have never been able to make it this many months as a HAPPILY nursing mother.  Thank you to our friends and family who have also been the voice of support and questions, allowing me to share our experience.  Last but not least by any means, thank you to my son, who without him I would have never been able to go on this enlightening journey.  I love you more than you will ever know and I am so grateful that I get to be your Mommy.  I will forever cherish the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, possibly even month(s) of time we spent snuggling, rocking, singing, and nursing. 

Thank you to the current literature that is now supporting both breastfeeding exclusively for the first 6 months and extended breastfeeding. I was able to draw the strength I needed on both the physical and psychological benefits and they got me through the painful moments and transitions. I fully believe in breastfeeding and doing so for an extended period of time.  If you or anyone you know ever needs a friend or someone to talk to about nursing a newborn, infant, toddler or tandem nursing (through pregnancy or 2 children) your welcome to send them my way.

*I was finally able to post this on Sunday night.  We are both still going strong as we transition to our new normal.  Thomas has had times when he asks, times when he doesn’t and times when he “wants to be a baby again.”  He has not for one second say anything negative about Elin nursing.  In fact he will still tell me if she is hungry(crying) that she needs to eat.  The best part about this transition is I still get to snuggle and be with my little guy as we make the transition.  Many mothers I know had to remove themselves and for us I just knew that would be too hard.  I didn’t want him to feel like I was abandoning him or picking Elin over him.  Whew, I finally get to be done with the tears, I hope.  Oh wait, what is that, ahh yes, I still have another baby to nurse for hopefully many more months.