This was written on Monday night…posted on Tuesday
For several months now Thomas has had swollen lymph nodes. Nothing note worthy at first, but that was initially. We first noticed them in his groin and thought they could be a possible hernia. We showed them to his doctor at his 2 year appointment and she said lets keep our eye on them and see what happens. They have continued to remain enlarged and I have also noticed a new swollen node in his neck. So at Elin’s appointment on Thursday I mentioned it to the doctor. 
The doctor said she isn’t overly concerned because he looks well, his color is good and he has an abundance of energy. Then his doctor checked to see what other lymph nodes she could feel and she was able to feel 4 areas of distinct enlargement, his head, neck, armpits and groin. Therefore she suggested we take him over to the lab at Children’s for blood work.
This is when the large baseball bat to the gut hit and remains. There is an endless list of questions. There is also an equally large range of possibilities between this is normal and this is very very bad. What if my seemingly perfectly healthy son, is not? It is a question I have never wanted to ask. It is also something that sends gut wrenching emotions, raw, unspeakable, emotions through my body. On Thursday night, as I laid with him and he was falling to sleep I prayed extra hard for this all to be a quick blood draw and then a memory of the past. But what if…
The weekend has been filled with extra hugs, kisses and squeezes. Mike and I have tried to talk a little about our thoughts, but it is admittedly too painful to really let ourselves go there. The what ifs have us paralyzed right now. No parent wants their normal to be anything but normal. We don’t want our normal to be hospitals and tests and trying to comfort Thomas (or Elin) through pain. I still can remember learning about Josie being diagnosed with Leukemia. Doesn’t this only happen to one child in a family? Hasn’t our family already lost enough? Please don’t take us down this path. I don’t want this to be our normal.
Shortly after my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer she said that “all she wanted to do was run, but she knew she needed to stop and fight it.” That is how I felt all weekend. I wanted to run and not have the blood test. I wanted to continue to look at Thomas as being normal, which he quite possibly is, but I surly don’t want to hear he has something, that will drastically change his and our lives.
We had prepped him both Saturday and Sunday by nonchalantly talking about how he would need to have a quick poke to check his blood. We talked about how they would do the poke in his arm, it would be fast and then we would go do something fun. Thomas had his blood drawn this morning. It was fast and thank God it was "easy.” We had been told to ask for Hector and so I called on Friday and found out they were open this morning and Hector would be in at 11:30.
As we drove in the car, we didn’t talk about what we were doing. Both Mike and I could see how nervous the other was. We silently held hands and squeezed. I was careful not to look at him or talk to my mom or mother in law and let the true emotions out. I had a gut wrenching stomach ache that I forced into the back of my head. We checked in and he was off to see Hector. We sat down told him again quick what to expect and before he could even get too excited about his new crocodile flashlight the blood was being drawn. Thomas watched the whole time. Even when the vein was missed and Hector had to do a few seconds of looking for the vein. Thomas had a semi surprised look on his face, and so did Mike, Hector, and I. I took a picture to send to the worried grandparents at home and to show them how Thomas didn’t make a peep or shed a tear. He was glad when it was done and I pulled out the “hun-ra” (candy) to reward him for being so brave. We were then off to the park to ride his bike.
We called the lab and the results are in. We now wait…to hear our new normal. I go to bed praying that when the doctor calls tomorrow our normal will not change. That this can go down in our record book as a super scary thought that the what ifs never have to be answered.
The phone call came this morning and after the doctor ended her call I called Mike to relay the information to him. The results are within normal limits and do not lead the doctor to believe that we are looking at a leukemia or lymphoma. Thomas’ lymphocyte number is slightly elevated, which could be from the cold virus he just had. The white blood cell count and the immature white blood cell count (the 2 they were really looking at, along with the lymphocytes) are normal. So we now continue to watch the lymph nodes for any change, any enlargement, and if they stop being wiggly. We also watch to see if Thomas has a loss of appetite or energy and then we readdress the situation. When he needs blood work again, his doctor said she will have the same test run again, just to make sure we are staying very “on top of things.” Mike and I couldn’t be more elated. After we could breath a sigh of relief we let our family know and then kept saying we were just so thankful. I am so very thankful, because I know that not every parent in the same situation gets the same phone call. Our extended family has been there, I know how unfair the world can be, I am so grateful our world today remains “normal.” Utterly blessed beyond words, thank you God for answering all of our prayers.
It is apparent that when something threatens to shake the life that you knew to the core and then shake it again…you become very appreciative of the little things in life. I am so glad that our normal has remained today…because I wouldn’t change it for the world. Today I am gratefully blessed beyond words. Today is just another “normal” day.
Except, on this day, I held my baby boy and cried tears of happiness and relief. Knowing that I/we are truly blessed to be his parents and so thankful that his blood is “normal.” Today my husband and I held one another and shook knowing that we were both just as scared as we have ever been in our entire lives. Today, I held both Thomas and Elin and asked God to continue to let us have them in our lives to love and raise. Today, both our families let out sighs of relief that our little guy can continue to live a “normal” life. God does answer prayers, and today we said a huge THANK YOU to him.
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